Out of Order: The Boys’ Bathroom Famine


Jack Farnum-Huelster, Staff Writer

Where were you on that fateful day.. the December 3, 2019.. the day that the Boys’ Bathroom Famine struck HHS much akin to how the Potato Famine fatally struck the Irish?

There are but three bathrooms for all of the boys in this building, a measly three! We make it work for the most part, at least I like to believe so.

Of the three bathrooms meant for boys, two are “Out of Order.” Look, I concede that they are probably “Out of Order” in the first place because of testosterone filled male nonsense, as is life at HHS, but.. two? I’m not exactly a math wiz but that leaves us with.. One! Do the math!

For now, we are left with just the first floor bathroom by the band room/new cafeteria. This is the least desirable one for male students here at HHS.

Fate has dealt us XY chromosome individuals a nasty hand today. The aforementioned bathroom, the one we are stuck with, has a stall door that is broken and cannot be locked. There are a few other issues as well. All three bathrooms serve the same simple purpose, yet it feels as though we have been left with the least desirable option for fulfilling said purpose.

But we cannot let panic set in!  Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself!” As boys, we must keep a cool head and be rational. Historically we fail to keep our hormones in check, but we must try! Don’t drink water at school until further notice, even if you’re parched. The bathroom is now for uncontrollable emergencies only. You can drink water when you get home. If you must drink, take small sips from the fountains.

If we all come together as one I truly believe we can stop chaos and all-out-war from tearing us apart in the one bathroom. This is our chance for a new awakening of bathroom etiquette and unity! It is time for change! We must relinquish the ways of the past that brought upon us this terrible famine in the first place!

I cannot say when the other bathrooms will be back in order. It could be literally tomorrow, invalidating all I have written. Alternatively, It could be over a week.

But I’m sure HHS has their top men on the problem. Only the best of the best can save us now. But I CAN say this for certain. We should not let the anxious uncertainty of only having one bathroom consume us.