Boys’ Bathroom Famine Ends

Jack Farnum-Huelster, Staff Writer

I truly do not know what to say.

There are but few words in this English language that can truly convey the unparalleled joy I am experiencing at this moment. It’s as if all of the stars visible to the naked eye in the milky way have aligned for this most momentous occasion!

Boys and Gentlemen of Hawthorne High School, whether you’re a Freshman or Senior, Teacher or Guidance Counselor.. our time has come.

I’m sure at this point you’ve already put the pieces together if you are of the XY chromosome variety. The 2nd floor boys’ bathroom has officially reopened for business! No, this is not a drill. I’m serious, really! The bathroom is open, like, right now! You can actually go in and do your business, whatever that may be. It’s surreal to say the least, but I can assure you I am telling the truth. Go see for yourself! 

I feel it is finally time to decree that the boys’ bathroom famine has officially ended. The horror I and others have experienced during these lavatory shortages have caused un-foretold levels of misery and trauma that will surely not be forgotten anytime soon, but now all we can do is push forward and ensure that all boys’ bathrooms remain open for the remainder of the school year.

In that regard, to whoever is responsible for the damages to the 2nd floor bathroom that put it out of action for months, I have a simple request – STOP. JUST STOP IT. LET US HAVE THIS. LEAVE US ALONE.